what if every blade of grass was a penis?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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