Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
