Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The power of my boobs compel you
Randomize
