so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
