I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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