she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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