I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
