Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
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