My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
