we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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