You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
