I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
