when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
