This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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