I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
