Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
There are leaves in my underwear?
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