Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
