Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
