I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
