Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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