Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
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