I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
