So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
