i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Randomize
