Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
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