awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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