I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
