Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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