Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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