the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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