I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
