Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
