Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
