please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
