you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
