When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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