the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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