Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
