You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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