i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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