I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
