would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
