I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
