cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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