I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
