We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so let's talk penis.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
