I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
