I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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