I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
