my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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