hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
