So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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