I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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