I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
