i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
