i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
