Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
