im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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