soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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