i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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