I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
