Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
we should paint friendship bongs
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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