he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
