You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
