You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
