I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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