i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
